OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
