Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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