Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
