did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize