My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
