my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
