make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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