I am midnight drunk by noon
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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