New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
