did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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