smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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