A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
