i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
