When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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