my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
