dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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