I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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