no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I could make wine with my vomit
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
