I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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