Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
