If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
