I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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