Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It's official drugs can't kill me
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
