That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
