I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
