There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
