I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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