I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
