I hope mine doesn't look like that
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
