moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You're like the curious george of whores
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
