He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
