Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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