nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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