So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
