so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I have demons in me.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
