you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
