So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
