I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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