all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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