New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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