what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize