i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
