tell your sister to shave her snatch
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
