just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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