My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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