your parents love me but you hate me
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
