I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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