I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
