We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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