I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
