i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
