It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I have fence marks all over my body
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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