I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize