come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize