The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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