It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
