cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
