im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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