If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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