boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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