I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
