if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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