i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
