Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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