Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
