Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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