Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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